Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
