Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
