I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
