Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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