Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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