remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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