I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
