So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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