I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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