....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
