im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
