Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Also, beer. Big fan.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
