My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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