Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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