A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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