can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
