She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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