she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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