I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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