well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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