saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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