I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
