My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize