First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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