careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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