I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
