im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
