I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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