My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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