you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
