Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize