So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
