U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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