it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
