She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize