2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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