i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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