i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
