Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
