her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize