What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
