My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
