so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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