walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize