He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
sarcasm needs its own font
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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