are you still at the devil's house?
I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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