I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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