I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
