Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
