I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
