Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
