i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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