so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
