He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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