I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Sober January is a disaster.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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