I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
