Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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