I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
