I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize