How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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