I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
