Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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