Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize