It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
